'I pay a dominatrix to whip me, my wife has no idea': Tracey Cox talks to men who are too ashamed to tell their partners about their kinks

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Many, many people have secret BDSM kinks they are hiding from their partner.

How do I know? Because they regularly write to me – often in despair.

They're nearly always men who are terrified to admit their kink for fear of their partner judging and leaving them. 

Instead, they visit sex workers or 'Dommes' (a nickname for a dominatrix) or find like-minded people to satisfy what are often overwhelming urges.

This causes great distress. 

These men don't want to cheat or lie to a much-loved partner but find it impossible to fight a desire they've had since their teens or early childhood.

BDSM (bondage, discipline, submission and masochism) is still mainly hidden despite a growing understanding that it's not something that needs to be 'fixed' but rather something people get pleasure from.

Here, I look at the world of BDSM from different perspectives, in a bid to help people understand what it's about.

MailOnline's sex columnist Tracey Cox spoke to swingers about how their friends and family reacted to their sex habit 

'THE FIRST TIME I EVER FELT SAFE WAS IN A DUNGEON'

*Ivan, 37, has been seeing a professional 'Domme' since he was in his early 20s.

'I can pinpoint when I made the link between pain and pleasure. 

'I was about seven and my parents locked me in my room for doing something I shouldn't have. 

'I felt guilty and started hitting my head against the wall to punish myself. It felt strangely good.

'My first ever girlfriend spanked me on the bottom during sex very early into our relationship. 

'She did it as a joke and was shocked when I orgasmed quickly and hard because of it. I guess it all developed from there.

'Sadly, my relationships after her were all vanilla and I went online to find a Domme when I was in my early 20s. 

'She led me to her dungeon, tied me to a chair and beat me for about an hour.   

Geoff, 44, is happily married with two children. His wife has no idea he has a kink (stock image) 

'I was horrified at first – it hurt and I had bruises for a month afterward - but the high you get from the endorphins is like nothing else you've ever experienced. 

'It was the first time I felt safe enough to expose who I really was - a masochist who gets pleasure from pain. 

'But it's not just about that, it's about relinquishing all control. 

'When you're experiencing that level of pain, the clarity of focus you need to survive is extraordinary. 

'I don't do psychedelic drugs, but I'd imagine the feeling is something like that.

'I've seen professional Domme's since then and am active in the BDSM community, helping young men who are freaked out by what they're craving, and trying to normalise it. 

'It's interesting that men of all ages, classes and religious and ethnic backgrounds find a dungeon to be the only place they feel safe enough to take off the mask and reveal their true selves. 

'There's a lot of trauma in this world: these men are seeking pleasure but they're also trying to heal wounds.

'I have been in a monogamous, long-term relationship for a long time. 

Ivan, 37, has been seeing a professional 'Domme' since he was in his early 20s (stock image)

'My partner is aware of my kink because I told her very early on. 

'She made it clear she wasn't interested but said what I did in my own time was my own business. 

'She never pries. 

'I would much prefer to be with someone who shared my preferences, but I know I'm lucky not to have to sneak around.'

'THERE'S NO SEX – WE DON'T KISS AND SHE DOESN'T TOUCH ME AT ALL'

*Geoff, 44, is happily married with two children. His wife has no idea he has a kink.

'I visited my first dominatrix when I was 25. 

'I didn't tell my girlfriend because I had only just gotten to grips with it myself.

'This isn't like having a hooker on a stag night; paying someone to whip and humiliate you means admitting to yourself that you aren't like other people. 

'Looking back, the Domme wasn't very good. 

'But at the time, it was the most thrilling thing I'd ever experienced.

'I've always played power games with girlfriends who were willing – tie-up, light spanking, handcuffs. 

'But I didn't dare delve into the submission or humiliation side. 

'Women are fine with you being the dominant person, not so happy when you want to be called names and ridiculed. 

'That's not 'manly'. 

'I knew how risky it was confessing to a partner. It freaks women out and that makes me hate myself more than I already do.

'The people who do know I'm into BDSM ask me why I didn't try to marry someone who could fulfil my fantasies. 

'My answer is this: it's hard enough finding someone you respect and love enough to want to have children and spend your life with, let alone try to find that person within a very specific, tiny proportion of the female population who openly admit to enjoying BDSM.

'I met my wife six years ago and fell instantly in love and the thought of jeopardising that in any way was unthinkable. 

'I vowed to myself that I'd satisfy that part of me by masturbating to porn and I managed it for five of those years. 

'But this year, I went to see the dominatrix I used to see before I met her. It so intensely enjoyable, it felt like an out of body experience. 

'I have seen her twice since then. I have painful mixed emotions about it. I don't just want what the dominatrix gives me, I need it. 

'But it distresses me greatly that I am lying to my wife to experience it.

'She's not at risk of contracting anything: there's no 'sex'. 

'We don't kiss, she doesn't touch me at all. 

'She whips me, she stands on my back with pointy heels on, she puts weights on my testicles, and she verbally abuses and humiliates me. It's still cheating though because sharing anything this intimate is a betrayal.

I know I am risking a wonderful marriage. I wish I didn't have this desire within me. I believe you're born with it. I've had contact with other men online through the BDSM community and am yet to meet a man who doesn't agree. Most men who do it behind the back of their wives – and that's most of us - also hate themselves. I wish masochism was more accepted as a healthy, natural part of sex.'

BUT WHAT DOES THE DOMINATRIX HERSELF SAY?

Mistress Vivienne, 38, has worked as a dominatrix for seven years and is based in London.

'The biggest myth is that I have sex with these men. I don't. 

'A lot of men don't even ejaculate or orgasm. 

'They bank the experience and use it to fuel future masturbation sessions or the sex they have with their wife.

'The second is that these men are unhappy in their relationships or marriages. 

'They're not, they're just scared to have the tough conversation with their partner and don't want to lose their family. 

'Most of the men I see are very nice and gentle. 

'It's a misnomer that men who are into BDSM want to physically dominate women. 

'Most of the men I see want me to dominate them. It's more about submission. 

'Lots want to experience extreme pain – the sort only a professional is willing to administer.

'We don't all look like what you'd expect either – big lips and breasts, done up in a corset and dog collar. 

'My clients want specific things: one guy wants bright red toenail polish; another likes me to wear a cowboy hat while I'm whipping him.

'My clients are a mix of ages and relationship status. Some of them have wives or partners who know they come to see me and are happy about it.

'But most are doing it secretly. All pay me in cash. I am paid for my discretion as much as I am for the service I provide. 

'Over the years I have seen powerful men who are in the public eye. No-one ever challenges men like that, and this is why it's such a kick when I do.

'I feel sorry for some of my clients. 

'They're desperate to see me but they also don't want to. They're like drug addicts needing a fix. 

'It would do me out of a job, but it's time society recognised that these men aren't perverts just because they have a fetish. 

'Most of my clients long to be able to come clean and experiment with their partners and have them satisfy these needs

Tracey's podcast, SexTok, comes out every Wednesday. Find it wherever you listen to your podcasts.